.. prolly another weird post.

broad strokes.

i was watching a french movie the other day with a friend of mine. the film had no sub titles, neither did we speak french. so it was like watching a painting made from broad strokes - apparent, but left to perception.

i tripped sometime later.

to understand something when words have no meaning. lemme tell you some things that you prolly know..

most movies are the same thing told in a different way. most things in life mean the same movie may be, forgotten in a different way.

for the last few months, i was stressed from work. i am in a much better place in my mind right now though, but i gathered.. to realise the loss of balance, is a fair step towards regaining it.

things in our lives are self serving. egoistic parables we tell ourselves. from the hour we wake up to the late shuteye, the day is filled with little activities of self indulgence. and, this is bad. no matter how compelling the world sounds, or how pampered the ego resides, that is bad.

well, there is no certification as to how to lead ones life.. but i found religion helpful. i am not a terribly unilateral person, but i did nt find a better way to lead a life than what was taught to me on doordarshan or in social studies classes. and most of it dealt with the so-called terms, happiness and peace.

to be happy is to do things outside yourself. a tremendously buddhist sounding philosophy, this.. of being at peace by controlling the mind thing, which is a tad difficult. and acting outside ones self and being compassionate, are not really as natural as they sound. but they go towards addressing little things you can so easily afford everyday - smile, talk, be pleasant (even if it is out of character/mood) - easy things.

a sorta.. habit of happiness. this is a strange term. i dont believe you can be happy all the time, especially leading a life like we do - peppered with subconscious judgements, arrogance, jealousy, hatred - the mildly dormant side of bipolarity, that is almost hard to conceal from one's self. we are not talking about extremist terrorists here, just regular people off the street. like us. we frown at ourselves coz we believe in this little drama in our heads. that these seemingly important things that we do, are so critical for our well being. only until we redefine these things. chasing big things in life, fighting the shadows in our heads - hard things.

we do the hard things, forget the easy things.

"we ll try to make a story up ourselves if we are completely lost" one of us told the other addressing the skepticism of the foreign language in the movie.

happiness is prolly easy, if we get out of our heads and pretend we are watching a movie; make the story work. let the characters get along. its sometimes simple to live a life - just try to be nice. you might succeed.

(end)


what do i do with the ego? that's a beast we kill one day at a time.

grazed knees, short nights

.. and watching the sun come out.

misery, content, bliss.

i ve decided!!

i ll make railway station chicken this week!

super, no?

a linear phase

i suffer from a sorta disorder. i like to demarcate. i like distinction, to know where things end and others begin. blurry gray boundaries are exciting, gives you a high.. but i find them insincere. passing. and adolescent. it is chore to define things in life,and usually comes at a price of leading one unlike the beatnik's. i cant say it is worth more. or less, but it should be worthy of a life, nonetheless.

but i am not sure.

living in a clutter that is my office and a mess that is my house, i find it a tad amusing to describe such a world that exists in my head.

ironic lives, often undermined by a habitual need for excitement and clamouring for attention in hours of uneasy solitude. this, is what we ve become. as a generation.

i need to know where i am - with people, in relationships, in time. amidst all the waywardness and impulsive moments in my life, i sometimes find myself tugging at the line fastened to my leg. to see where the black ends and white begins. to know who are the faces behind the scars and why do they smile.

rambling, that is what this is. to write about things that dont matter. about words that should prolly be let out on windy rooftops and under muffled breaths.

i digress.

i talk about lines and definitions. of the necessity to belive in what you see. or imagine. to have a sense of awareness. of choices, morals and a dozen other things you did nt think mattered. and one fine day, you dont know what ve you turned into. you start refusing ac/dc tickets, you pop pills to work, you run away from everything unnecessary and everything frivolous.

it is in fact, funny what one can become when you are too busy looking away from the mirror. everyday you change, in perceptions, in character. everyday, into someone different from what you were eysterday. it takes one big day, or a dozen uneventful ones may be.. but you change. by choice.

i (sometimes) try hard not to sermonize myself into a world of obfuscation. not to define everything that is around me. but to lead a life in a cloud of whims is to crash on a day with no name. everyday, i try to convince myself that there is a need for order and that s what makes the world go round. then i look at the newspaper and laugh. out loud.

i get a generous dose from folks about life - the fancy lil thing that you can screw around with when you are young. to drift along a wave of people who will love you for you are pretty and smile like a disarming moron who knows no worry in the world. to be able to do anything that you please.. for you, are god.. and have no boundaries. to lead a life like you own it.

self destruction is a beautiful thing. it has a romantic overture to it.

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line.

severn cullis-suzuki in '92

add to the bucket list

base jumping in terminal velocity.

to do list

this month:

1. tropic thunder
2. dev d unoriginal. bad actors. great music. ugly tacky movie.
3. the machinist
4. rab ne banana de jodi
5. at least one of the above