a linear phase

i suffer from a sorta disorder. i like to demarcate. i like distinction, to know where things end and others begin. blurry gray boundaries are exciting, gives you a high.. but i find them insincere. passing. and adolescent. it is chore to define things in life,and usually comes at a price of leading one unlike the beatnik's. i cant say it is worth more. or less, but it should be worthy of a life, nonetheless.

but i am not sure.

living in a clutter that is my office and a mess that is my house, i find it a tad amusing to describe such a world that exists in my head.

ironic lives, often undermined by a habitual need for excitement and clamouring for attention in hours of uneasy solitude. this, is what we ve become. as a generation.

i need to know where i am - with people, in relationships, in time. amidst all the waywardness and impulsive moments in my life, i sometimes find myself tugging at the line fastened to my leg. to see where the black ends and white begins. to know who are the faces behind the scars and why do they smile.

rambling, that is what this is. to write about things that dont matter. about words that should prolly be let out on windy rooftops and under muffled breaths.

i digress.

i talk about lines and definitions. of the necessity to belive in what you see. or imagine. to have a sense of awareness. of choices, morals and a dozen other things you did nt think mattered. and one fine day, you dont know what ve you turned into. you start refusing ac/dc tickets, you pop pills to work, you run away from everything unnecessary and everything frivolous.

it is in fact, funny what one can become when you are too busy looking away from the mirror. everyday you change, in perceptions, in character. everyday, into someone different from what you were eysterday. it takes one big day, or a dozen uneventful ones may be.. but you change. by choice.

i (sometimes) try hard not to sermonize myself into a world of obfuscation. not to define everything that is around me. but to lead a life in a cloud of whims is to crash on a day with no name. everyday, i try to convince myself that there is a need for order and that s what makes the world go round. then i look at the newspaper and laugh. out loud.

i get a generous dose from folks about life - the fancy lil thing that you can screw around with when you are young. to drift along a wave of people who will love you for you are pretty and smile like a disarming moron who knows no worry in the world. to be able to do anything that you please.. for you, are god.. and have no boundaries. to lead a life like you own it.

self destruction is a beautiful thing. it has a romantic overture to it.

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