there are times when you sit in a dark room and wonder about things. i am sitting in a dark room and wondering about things (*).

darkness can be, at times (ironically) illuminating. it cuts you off from certain senses, which in the varied way this world functions, either make you feel good or bad about yourself. darkness steals one's distinction, may be identity and if i am looking for a bigger word.. ego. you become a part of a existing medium of blackness floating gingerly in a room of finite possibilities. darkness reduces choices.

when i came to europe about two years ago, i had no great plan. i did nt exactly know what's gonna happen to me, nor did i overtly care. if there was ever a pattern to my life, this was it. every so-called decision i have taken in life, to me, came without any consequences. to live a life without a plan.. no questions, no retribution.. all based on choices made by me, over the years.. independent and somewhat fulfilling, and today it planks out a man in front of a white screen typing out words which may make no sense once this night sleeps itself out.

what do i seek from al this? what is the problem?

none. kein problem. just a lingering feeling of exhaustion. a hollow emotion of selling out on something.

not so long ago, there was a conviction to my endeavours. there was a meaning, a purpose.. a floating sense of principle. today, i feel saddened by the shadow of romanticism that walks by my day-to-day. i feel like a neurotic gambler who does not know when to stop. how long will this flamboyance last? when will i lose? i need to know what i am walking on, and when will it end.

i find it harder by the day to justify this obsession of needing to seek the boundaries. mere existence of blurry bands of comfort continue to irritate me. distances annoyme.

as i stretch further away from any semblance of reality and little moments of parity.. visions that seem largely vacant walk by. seemingly long and vociferous appeals of sanity from a mind so far behind the head that i often look behind.. only to find a dark and silent wall.

when you see things around you in a light of abandonment, there are very few things that you cannot choose from. choice. not fate, not luck.. choice - a bastard child of freedom and belief.. in a world peppered with populist confocals in purist monochrome.

let me digress, may be i ll find a sense of meaning to this. people tell me there are moments in one's age when everything becomes clear. i thought this is when they were talking about love. i find love confusing. a terrible passion for a thing/person bringing out the worst in man - in a selfish, uncontrollable and seething manner. to live a life without this realisation however.. this knowledge of your worst kind of gratification, is somewhat depriving. but then again, there is no choice in love.

it's easy to live a life for yourself. mindful of the candy stores, fulfilling the pretentious pluralities.. living a life out of your favorite childhood fantasy, unabashed and incorrigible.

but is there dignity to such a godless life?

i shall stop now.. i don't think i ll find any meaning to this tonite. which kinda sucks.

thou, tired child, need sleep.

(*) .. and such thoughts usually have no cohesion, no strata. rough edges, undefined planes. blurbs, words.. sights.